I wanna be yours
by bloodyhell-ronald
Summary: The story of Lily and James is an old one. They hated each other but eventually, they fell in love. Maybe their Head Girl and Head Girl duties had something to do with it? Multi-chapter, set in year 7 during their Head Girl/Boy activities.
1. I just pray somebody loves you

_Preface –I just pray somebody loves you, somebody, somewhere_

Lily sighed. She couldn't get herself to stand up. It was Saturday, for Merlin's sake! And she had been up very late last night, until half past twelve! Only twelve years old, it has been quite an adventure to be up so late. But now, Lily was just tired and annoyed.

"Oh come on, you stubborn little ginger!" her best friend called from the bathroom, "We have a Quidditch match to attend!"

"Ugh, Marlene! I'm sure it'll rain any minute now! Beginning of October, it'll rain. Don't make me get up for a Quidditch match."

"It'll be awesome! Now, get up!"

Before Lily could to anything, her best friend had already drawn her curtains and was lying flat across her body, tickling the red-head feverishly. Lily was laughing loudly, trying to catch her breath while fighting off the blond girl. After a while, Marlene let go of her.

"You're gonna get up, Lils. And you're gonna get dressed and I'll make sure that you look like a proper Gryffindor when we cheer." She kissed Lily's cheek and sat up properly.

"And by the way: I'm not ginger, Marlene!"

"I know! You're too dark to be a ginger, you've told me plenty of times! But hey, I had to find a way to distract you so I could attack you!"

Lily rolled her eyes but did get out of bed.

"Okay, so show me how to look like a proper Gryffidor Quidditch fan" she grinned. Even if it was 8am on a Saturday, Marlene and her enthusiasm never failed to make Lily smile.

"Well, if you want to impress James Potter..."

"Marlene, no. You know I can't stand him. He's such a show-off."

"He made it into the team in his second year! He's a bloody brilliant player."

"He might be, but he's still an annoying prick. He keeps following me everywhere."

"Maybe he's in love with you", Marlene chuckled, "he keeps talking to you and you're always so rude!"

"He hexed my best friend!"

"I'm your best friend and he never hexed me!" Marlene pouted.

"You know I'm talking about Sev. Potter always hexes him! Yesterday he hexed Sev's pumpkin juice. His hair turned all green. He had to wash it five times to get the colour out of it!"

Marlene had to chuckled, which only caused Lily to shot her a shut-up-or-I'll-hex-you glance.

"Sorry Lils. But that is funny! Hurts no-one and Severus had to finally wash his hair for once. I bet those five times will be enough for the entire year!"

"Don't be mean. Sev is such a nice guy. You never made the effort to get to know him. You two are my best friends and I'd love for you to like him, too."

"He doesn't like me and you know that."

Lily nodded sadly. She did know. And she didn't understand. She knew, if Severus would consider talking to Marlene, she'd talk to him, too, and then, just like Lily, she would learn to like him.

"Anyway, let's get you ready for the big game. Are you even sitting with us? I remember last year, when you sat with Severus and the Slytherins instead of with us."

"Well, Potter and Black kept annoying me. Sev didn't."

"I didn't and Remus didn't either."

"I'm sorry." Lily hugged her friend and cuddled her softly. "Let's get me ready then. A proper Gryffindor fan!"

Marlene had great fun ruffling through Lily's thick, dark-red hair to make it look like a lion's mane. She even made her friend wear a hair band with cat's ears on it, so that Lily did look like a lion with her face painted half gold, half red.

By now she was actually really excited to see the game. Lily was so fascinated by Quidditch but she never considered playing it herself. She was amazed by how quickly the players could change their path, by how safe and secure they seemed to be, high up in the air with one hand on a ball. She didn't like to admit it, but she thought James Potter was doing a great job. Twelve years old and already an amazing Chaser. By what she could tell. But others said so, too.

"150 to 160, that was close!" Marlene took Lily's hand, jumping up and down, all excited, "James was brilliant! Scored the only goal! I know, I know. Another reason for him to show off."

"Exactly."

Lily shrugged her shoulders as she was walking alongside Marlene back to the castle to celebrate the win. Far behind them, she heard Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin chatting and laughing. Did it just seem like it or were they a much happier lot without Potter? Maybe they were just very cheery because Gryffindor beat Slytherin.

"Close, wasn't it?"

Lily smiled as her best friend Severus Snape caught up with her.

"Definitely. Your team scored so many goals. Fifteen! That is amazing!"

He nodded slightly and looked over at Marlene, who just rolled her eyes.

"Lils, I'll see you in the Common Room, okay? Don't take too long!" She quickly hugged her friend and stayed behind to walk towards the castle with Pettigrew, Lupin and Black. Marlene kind of liked Black, but Lily had no idea why. He was just as much of a show off as Potter was. But he wasn't nearly as annoying as Potter.

Once Marlene was out of sight, Severus smiled at Lily.

"I missed you at the game. Why didn't you sit with me?"

"Well, I like to support my house."

Severus nodded slightly. "The brawny ones, yes. You look all dolled up for it. Green would suit you."

"My eyes are green."

"I know. I like your eyes. They're pretty."

Lily smiled at him thankfully. "I am still your friend, Sev. I just support my house. That doesn't mean I'm against yours. Because I'm not. I like you and that is reason enough to like your house. Remember, you were the one that told me that it doesn't matter what background you have or what house you're in."

"But look at all the other Gryffindors. You're an exception. You should've been in Slytherin."

Lily was sick of this. They've had conversations like that all the time. Why didn't she choose to be in Slytherin? Why didn't he choose to be in Gryffindor then, as she had been the first of the two of them to be sorted into a house, Lily'd usually reply.

Why couldn't they just be friends, without all of the House hate? She didn't hate on Slytherin, so why did he hate on Gryffindor?

"Most Gryffindors are really phony", Severus continued, "You're not."

"Marlene isn't either. Remus isn't."

"They both hang out with that Potter boy."

"So what?" Lily was getting more and more impatient with his rant, "the people you surround yourself with aren't who you are. You are who you are. You told me that yourself, Sev. Just because they like Potter and Black don't make them bad people. Please, try to talk to them. For me, please. I know you admire intelligence and Remus really is intelligent. We are always head-to-head in class."

"McKinnon isn't so smart."

"Marlene is adorable and I love her very much. She makes me happy. Just like you make me happy."

"I make you happy?"

"Oh, of course." She beamed at Severus. Never would she understand why he was so insecure. He was such a great chap. Charming and dedicated and clever and he was so kind. He also didn't care about your blood-status at all. Which was very important for Lily. Friends who didn't care about it.

"You make me very happy. You've always been there for me, especially in those first days when I was so confused about everything in and about and around Hogwarts. You'll always be my best friend."

"Always?"

"Always", promised Lily with a wide, toothy smile.

Just as Severus wanted to say something else, Remus Lupin ran up next to them.

"Excuse me, Lily?" The blond boy looked at her with a huge questioning expression, his hair all messy, his eyes all tired. Maybe he had been up late, too, Lily thought, reading a book or trying to get his friends to be quiet. Maybe he couldn't sleep because Potter and Black were very loud. Lily imagined them to be loud at night time. They were loud at daytime, so it wasn't impossible.

"Hey Remus. What's up?"

"Oh, I just wanted to ask you for advice on our Potions essay. I tried to figure it out yesterday evening but I couldn't. On full moons I usually stay awake and work until late at night. The moon shines very brightly in our dorm, so I can hardly sleep."

"Sorry to hear", the red-head smiled sympathetically. That would explain the tired eyes. "We can go to the library, if you want to. I guess there'll be a celebration in the Common Room, so we won't be able to work there at all."

"I'd love that", he smiled shyly, "Will you be joining us?" Remus addresses the black-haired boy next to Lily.

"No chance", Severus said coldly, "I'll catch up with you later, Lily. Say we meet at the lake at six?"

"Okay, sure!" Lily nodded happily, waving at Severus as he parted from Lily and Remus.

"Why didn't he want to come with us? Is it because of the hair colour thing James did?"

"He thinks you're as bad as Potter and Black."

"James and Sirius aren't bad. They're awesome and so much fun to be with!"

"Severus doesn't like them and they don't like him. Neither do I. But I like you! So, shall we get our Potions stuff and work on the essay?"

Remus nodded and faced the portrait of the Fat Lady, naming the password before letting Lily enter the Common Room, following her.

Inside, the whole room was decorated with signs and banners saying 'Well done, guys and gals!', 'Hooray for Gryffindor!' and the lot more. The Gryffindors were still waiting for the team to come; it usually took them a while to shower and get changed.

Lily and Remus fetched their books, paper and quills before heading towards the library.

"I hope you don't mind. I left a note for Sirius and James and Peter where I am so that they'll find me if they need me."

"Nah, not at all." Lily wasn't keen on having the others around, but she highly doubt that any of them would show up. Not on the day of a Quidditch celebration. She kind of wondered why Remus was working with her and not celebrating his best friend's first Quidditch match. Little did she know about Remus and full moons.

They sat in the library for about two hours until James Potter showed up. The black hair all messy, the brown eyes all tired, books clutched under his left arm.

"Hey. Can I join you? I haven't done my essay either... Was up late last night."

Lily frowned but nodded and gestured towards the seat opposite of hers.

"Of course, sit down. Remus and I are nearly done."

"Cool! So I can copy yours?"

"No way, James!" Remus laughed, "You can have a look and I will check yours later on but you can't copy it."

"Yeah, I know..." He sighed but smirked at the same time. In his first year, the smirk hasn't been as worked out as it was now. Lily supposed that by the age of twenty, his smirk would be Potter's only weapon left. When his glory as a Quidditch player had faded away and his friends got sick of him.

James sat down next to Remus. "Sirius said he's gonna celebrate a bit and might copy mine at night. And Peter fell asleep on the sofa after he ate three pieces of chocolate cake", the black-haired boy informed his friend.

"Bless his little soul", Remus laughed, "Peter and chocolate: an untold love story with a tragic ending."

"Could be written by Shakespeare", James grinned, "Always littered with corpses."

The girl at the table frowned again and lightly shook her head. Boys and their weird thoughts.

After another half an hour of concentrated working, Lily looked up from her books only to see Remus being fast asleep on his essay, while James stuck small paper balls all over in his friend's hair, chuckling happily.

"So what's the real reason you came here, Potter? You could celebrate your great game and yet you're here", Lily whispered as not to wake up poor Remus.

"I need to get better in Potions", he whispered back, "And you're the best one in Potions. So I figured I could just join your study group. Was that not right? I'm sorry, Remus left a note, so I thought it'd be okay..."

"It's fine, don't worry." Lily sighed. She was not the type of girl to leave someone hanging. Though she wasn't a fan of James Potter, she would certainly try her best to help him. He was Remus' friend after all and she did like Remus.

"So, what I don't get is why you hate me so much."

"What I don't get is why you're so obsessed with me."

"I'm not obsessed. I... I like you." James blushed and quickly cleared his throat, "So, tell me. What is the function of the tulip in the sunshine potion? Why does it say it has to be yellow? Can I use a different yellow flower? Like a sunflower or daffodil?"

"Nah, you can't." Lily shook her head and patted on the seat next to hear, "Sit here, then you can read it with me."

James smiled at her and Merlin was his smile contagious!

She smiled softly back at him as James sat down next to her, looking into her book of plants and flowers.

"So... It has to be a tulip because?"

"Well, the sunshine potion was discovered by a German magician called Albertus Magnus and the tulip has always been the Germans' favourite flower. It has a strong emotional connection to the potion and its inventor."

"How do you know? It doesn't say so in your book." James frowned and looked at her, all confused and still in awe, "How do you know that?"

"Well... In the Potions book it states the inventor and in _Famous Witches and Wizards of the 13__th__ Century Europe_ there is a short summary about Albertus Magnus and his work. And here, in the Herbology book about flowers it states the meaning of flowers. So I guess I just connected it? Also, yellow tulips are supposed to represent sunshine, pink tulips are for the beginning of love and orange tulips mean fascination. That's why we are supposed to use yellow tulips."

"Okay." James nodded and scrunched his nose, tilting his head slightly. "So... sunflowers won't work because the emotional connection is missing and a differently coloured tulip won't work because the meaning is a different one?"

"Exactly!" She beamed at him, rather proud of his accomplishment.

"What is the meaning of lilies?"

"Light, innocence, virginity, love..."

James inspected her from head to toe, and then nodded. "Yes, works for you, Evans. Works for you."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Don't talk like that. You're not grown up."

"Am, too! Anyway. What is your favourite flower? Is it a lily?"

"Nah, it isn't. I like sunflowers."

"Sunflowers, huh?" James nodded, looking very serious, as if he was making a mental note. Little did she know that from now on she'd get a sunflower every birthday, Christmas Day and Valentine's Day.

"Thanks a bunch, Evans. I'd have never gotten that without your help. I owe you big time!"

"Maybe you could stop teasing Severus?" she asked, hopefully.

"No can do." James shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, "It's his own fault. He's stupid."

"Well, you're stupid", Lily pouted, "I can't believe I've helped you! I just pray somebody loves you, somebody, somewhere! Though I hardly believe it." And she could hardly believe she even considered him to be nice.

James looked at her with a look she thought she'd never forget. Was he hurt? Well, he was the one to insult her best friend!

"I'm heading off then!" James grinned at her, a forced grin as she thought, before getting up to give Remus a slight nudge.

"Oi, Remus. Off we go. You need to get to bed. And so do I. I also upset Evans, so we might need to leave quickly, before she kills us with her wrath." James chuckled and ruffled his hair.

Remus just rolled his eyes. "It will kill you, not me. She likes me. Sorry for falling asleep, Lily. Sorry for leaving you with this smart prick."

"No worries", Lily smiled at him, "I'll be staying for a bit, okay? You two head off. Good night, Remus. Potter." She threw a slight nod into James' direction, before turning back to her essay.

"Good night, Evans. Sleep tight and don't let the bed-bugs bite", James beamed at her, quickly following Remus out of the library.

Annoyed, the red-headed girl shut her book. He was a prick, he really was. But maybe, just maybe someday, Lily could start to like him. James didn't seem too bad, if she was honest with herself. She actually considered spending more time with him.

"We'll see..." she muttered to herself.


	2. Judge A Man

_Chapter One - Judge A Man By How He Treats His Inferiors_

"He's such a prick! Have I ever told you how much I hate him?"

"What did he do now?" The blond girl smirked as she watched her friend ranting about James Potter. Again. It could only be Potter, as she was never complaining about anyone else.

Lily Evans was walking next to her best friend. Her Care Of Magical Creatures class had just ended and on her way to the Gryffindor Common Room the red-head had ran into Marlene McKinnon, still heated over Potter.

"You never take me serious. This is serious, Marlene. Potter's a toe-rag."

"Lils, you keep using that word over and over again. He's a 16 year old boy. Look at Sirius. No better than him but still, I fancy him a great deal and he's a good guy."

"Well, neither of them is. And Black's even worse than Potter. Potter just keeps strolling around the castle as if he was... I don't know! As if he was the freaking King of Toe-Rag-England."

"King of Toe-Rag-England?" Marlene burst out laughing, shaking her head. "You're impossible, Lils."

Lily rolled her eyes. Marlene never understood her! Maybe never wanted to understand her. At least not since she had a crush on Sirius Black. Had to happen. At some point in time, every girl in Hogwarts had had a crush on either of the Marauders. Though Lily had never heard someone crushing on Peter Pettigrew.

"Am not! He's impossible, not me."

"Then tell me what he did and I'll see if you're right this time." She most of the time was and Lily knew that. In the end, Lily would always be right about James Potter. Though at first, Marlene never agreed with her.

"He ran up to Daniel Coy and without him doing anything, Potter just pushed him into the Lake. All his books were soaking wet! And instead of helping Daniel, what did Potter do? Just stood there, laughing at him", Lily complained, blowing a lost strand of red wavy hair out of her eyes.

" And he teased Severus. Again. He always does, every day. Severus never did anything to him, did he? If anyone should punish him, it should be me, not Potter. I just can't believe this boy! A few days left and we'll be off, finishing our sixth year. Did he grow up? Even a little? No, he didn't! Not at all."

Lily was foaming with rage and she didn't even understand where it had suddenly come from. Of course, Potter has always been annoying but over the last few weeks, Lily had grown even more sensitive about his actions.

"He's impossible. He just steps on everyone all the time", Lily continued, "Does he even think about anyone except himself? I don't think so. I can't believe that Remus still is his friend. He could do so so much better than that. So could Pettigrew. I'm telling you, Marlene, Potter will drag them down with him if they keep being his friends. They will drown in his arrogance; they'll be suffocated by how thick he is. If he would care about them, even a little, he'd tell them to go and look for a better friend."

"So what about Sirius then? Not worried about his well-being?" Marlene interrupted her friend's rage, although she should by now know better than to interrupt Lily Evans when she was ranting about how thick James Potter was. Marlene was the only one who could talk to her when the red-head's temper was showing. Perks of being her best friend.

"I don't care about Black; he's just as thick as Potter." Lily snorted. She really couldn't stand Potter. At all. She couldn't stand Black either, but somehow it was only ever Potter who ended up in her hate-speech.

"Hey, Evans", she heard a too familiar voice behind her. As she spun around, her ponytail spinning with her, she was rather surprised to find Black standing there on his own, without the rest of the infamous Marauders.

"Black. What do you want? Don't you have to pull a prank? Don't you have to make someone feel miserable?"

"I'm about to, darling. Hey McKinnon." Sirius Black nodded in Marlene's direction, throwing her a smile which Lily could only hate.

"Well, if you want to make me feel miserable, congrats. You succeeded. I saw your face and was miserable. You know what would top it? Seeing Potter. That would be the death of me." If Black was going to be a prick, so could she. Lily knew, of course, that Sirius had done nothing to upset her. Not this time. But he had stopped her rant and she was still just so furious that someone had to pay for it.

Instead of an expected heated reaction, Sirius looked at her, all stern and, well, serious. It confused her, but just a bit, and she would never show him.

"Let me tell you something, Evans." He stepped closer, so close that it was really uncomfortable. Still, Lily would never admit that Black or Potter or anyone could make her want to run away. So she straightened her shoulders and looked him in the eyes.

"Then tell me, Black. Tell me."

"You can say whatever you want about me. I don't fucking care. Hell, you can even say that Prongs is arrogant. Because he is, he really is." There was it again, that stupid nickname. It was childish, naming your friends Prongs and Moony and Wormtail and Padfoot. Lily didn't care about it right now. She cared about the fact that Sirius was calm. He never was. He had quite a temper, she had seen it often. Though while Potter, as Lily had observed it, usually dealt with it via keeping calm just to pull a prank on his insulter afterwards, Black most of the time was a drama queen, being all sarcastic and overly emotional, shouting and insulting. Of course she was wondering why he kept a calm voice.

"But never, you hear me, never again accuse him of letting his friends down. James is the most loyal friend one can have. He loves us more than you could ever imagine. More than you could ever love anyone, Evans. You have no idea what he did for us. We were worth less than him when we came to Hogwarts. Like scum. He didn't care, never does. He's a wonderful friend and if I ever hear you talking badly about him being a friend... oh you couldn't imagine the things I'd do, Evans, you couldn't imagine. You're a clever girl, aren't you? Favourite of Slughorn. Try to figure this out: Judge a man not by how he treats his equals but by how he treats his inferiors. Watch him when he talks to kids. Watch him when he interacts with us. Watch who he teases and you will find out one thing: he likes to tease Snivellus because he is his equal. And why, by Merlin, should he spare someone who can keep up with him so easily? James might be an arse, he might be arrogant and boastful and I allow you to say all these things about him. But never again try to protect anyone from his friendship. His friendship's the greatest gift Moony, Wormtail and I've ever been given. You aren't any better than you think of him." Without shooting her a second glance, Sirius turned around and vanished as quickly as he had come.

Lily and Marlene just looked after Black, completely startled. That wasn't the Sirius Black they had grown to know. That was someone who looked like Black but was nothing like him.

"What the hell was that about?" Marlene finally said, after an uncomfortably awkward silence.

"I've no idea, Marlene, I really haven't. Who does he think he is?"

"King of Toe-Rag-England?" Marlene suggested chuckling.

"Oh stop it you." Lily shook her head. "They really think they're the best, prettiest, most awesome guys in school. But tell you what: in the real world, none of them will succeed. Especially not Black. Potter could still be a Quidditch player and he's sort of clever. Well, he's good grades. Doesn't mean he's clever."

"Lils, give it a break, please, I beg you..." Marlene wrapped her arm around her friend's shoulder. "Come on, let's go to the Lake. Take your mind off Potter for a while. Deal?"

"Deal", Lily sighed. Black had made it sound as if Potter was a saint, a messiah who saved them from sinning and burning in purgatory. Bullshit. Potter was nothing like that and Lily only hoped that Black would shut his mouth the next time she met him. And the next time was only a few steps away.

As soon as she had followed Marlene out of the castle, she had spotted them. There they were. The four infamous Marauders, sitting together next to the Lake, playing a game of Exploding Snap.

"Oh come on! Fate is making a fool of us", Lily remarked sarcastically rolling her eyes in annoyance, "I can't believe they're here, too!"

"Lils, why shouldn't they? It's sort of the best place to be right now. And there are tons of other students around. Oh, I've just seen Shannon. Shall we sit with her? She's rather far from the Marauders, so no need for you to get all worked up on how much they stress you out."

"You're making fun of me."

"I might."

Lily sighed and nodded her okay. She knew that from time to time, her obsession with catching the Marauders doing something forbidden to get them expelled was a bit too much to handle for her friends. She knew that sometimes she talked about them way too much for her own good. But now, Lily decided, now she wanted some peace and quiet.

After a while of talking about their plans for the coming summer holidays and speculations about who might become Head Boy and Head Girl (their bets were on a Slytherin girl who was rather shy but determined as well as clever and Lily did hope that Remus would get assigned Head Boy), the friends laid back in the grass and just enjoyed the sun.

Its warm rays were tickling Lily's nose; she quite liked the feeling of it. The grass underneath her felt soft and warm, as if she was at peace with the world, finally come home. After a while she heard Marlene snoring softly. Chuckling, Lily opened her eyes and gazed over the scenery.

There he was. Stupid James Potter with his stupid hair and his stupid plaid button-up shirt. Why didn't he just go away? Didn't he need to plan a prank or practice for Quidditch? Didn't he need to do something else than sitting there, right where she could see him? Ugh, Lily despised him. But then again, he wasn't as bad as the Death Eaters. He was on the good side. It was something.

Lost in her thoughts, Lily stared at the four just a bit too long, because right as she snapped out of it, she could see all of them staring back at her. She didn't want to admit it, but the look Sirius Black threw her was sort of terrifying. Lily could see James nudging Black's side, obviously telling him to stop whatever he was doing. Much to Lily's surprise, James threw her a weak smile before turning away and grabbing his guitar. He could play, she knew that. At least everyone said he could. She had never heard him. Mostly because she tried to avoid his presence at all costs.

There was a split second in which Lily thought that Black could be right. Potter looked content just being there with his friends, playing guitar for them while Black lay on his back, smoking a cigarette and watching the clouds. Peter and Remus played Wizard Chess. As if Pettigrew could ever win against clever, logical Remus Lupin, Lily thought.

The split second passed and Lily thought again about how they kept teasing and annoying students, pulling pranks, prancing around the school. What was it that Potter was playing? She knew the song. Which was not impressive, as Lily tried to keep up with the music of both worlds, the Muggle world and the magical world. But this wasn't a song by a wizarding band; it was too familiar. Closing her eyes, Lily tried to catch the tune far away from her. She knew it, which was certain. It was a bit older, it didn't strike her as just having heard it but there was certainly something familiar about it.

"Oh for Merlin's sake", Lily murmured as she'd finally figured it out, "that is just so typical Potter." She shook her head, thinking about the lyrics. _Fear me, you loathsome, lazy creatures, I descend upon your earth from the skies, I command your very souls, you unbelievers_. Of course Potter would play a song like that. The only problem about hating Potter for it even more was that Lily loved _Seven Seas Of Rhye_. She hadn't heard it in ages and actually enjoyed the sound of her childhood. But never would she say so.

Potter and his friends were unusually quiet. If this would be a normal day, someone would already be dangling upside-down in the air, being laughed at by the two dark-haired Marauders. They would pull pranks on everyone at the lake and Potter would have been over at least four times to convince her to go out with him. But somehow none of it had happened so far. They were calm, like normal teenagers, simply being happy in the sun.

Rather content with the thought that not even Potter could ruin her afternoon, Lily laid back into the soft grass once again and closed her eyes. Oh, how wrong she had been. A few moments later, something or someone tapped her foot.

"Evans? Are you asleep?" she heard the familiar voice. Unusually calm and soft, nearly whispering. Normally, Potter would have burst into her serene state of mind, with this specific edge in his voice which made her cringe every time he addressed her. It was the arrogance that was missing. Was it? No. It was the self-love. The narcissism. Maybe if she ignored him, pretended to be asleep, maybe he would just go away.

"Evans, I can see that you are awake. I know when you're only pretending to be sleeping, I've wat..." He stopped mid-sentence and Lily could feel him sitting down next to her head.

"Look, Padfoot told me what happened earlier. I'd like to apologize for the way he said it. But not for the content. Because he was right. You can say whatever the fuck you want about me. Never ever even think I'd be a bad friend. Those three guys over there are my everything, my family. I'd rather be dead than betray them in any way. I'd gladly give my life for each of them. So please, go back to insulting me, calling me a toe-rag, telling me that you'd prefer the Giant Squid over me, calling me an arrogant arse. I can live with all that. I'm sorry that I've disturbed your afternoon. Keep enjoying the sun. And maybe put on some sunscreen. Your décolleté looks a bit burned."

Lily could practically hear the smirk in his last sentence. She wanted to get up and slap him, but before she had even decided to do so, she felt Potter leaving her side, possibly heading back to the Marauders.

What even has that been about? Maybe Black had been right. Maybe Potter wasn't a bad friend. But he was just so full of himself. Sir Boast-A-Lot, King of Toe-Rag-England. Why did Remus chose him to befriend? She couldn't possibly come up with any other explanation than what Black had told her earlier on: maybe he treated others badly because he considered them to be equal. And, as a boy from a rich and pure-blood family, befriending an always-ill-looking kid, a pariah and the stereotypical loser-type-of-guy was surely unusual. Lily had never seen Potter being mean to them. Teasing them like she teased Marlene, sure. Maybe, just maybe, just a small and tiny maybe, Potter wasn't such a bad friend or such a bad person after all. Then again, in her second year, Lily had also considered Potter to be nice. And it had brought her no-where. So why should now be any different than at that time?


	3. I never meant to do those things to you

_Chapter Two - I Never Meant To Do Those Things To You_

This was hell. No, not exactly. This was worse than hell. This was how Belle from the Beauty and the Beast must have felt: trapped with a monster and there was no way to get out.

Her hands in her trousers' pockets, Lily walked through the corridor, replaying the morning on the Hogwarts Express.

She had been full of joy, being the new Head Girl. Oh, so eager to meet her Head Boy, so excited. Maybe it was Remus after all, who knew? But two Gryffindors? Highly unlikely. Anyway, Lily was the first to be in the compartment, waiting impatiently for the new Prefects and her Head Boy. After half an hour, every Prefect was there but still, no sight of her Head Boy. Maybe he was already fulfilling his duties; maybe he had caught someone doing something. Maybe he had even caught... Potter. It was Potter. And he was late. What in Merlin's name made Dumbledore think that James Potter would be a good and trustworthy Head Boy?

It has been quite a shock, from which Lily was still suffering as she followed Potter deeper into the castle.

The sun was setting, painting the outside of Hogwarts a beautiful red and orange. The hilltops were illuminated with sunrays, nearly sparkling. Inside the castle however, Lily was not paying attention to what happened outside the huge windows.

Patrolling with Potter would be awful. She was sure of it. He would spend every waking second asking her out, boasting, showing off.

Just... wait a second. They have been patrolling for over half an hour now and Potter had not said a single word. The realization hit her hard, so hard she even forgot to walk. He was still, quiet. His hands, too, were stuffed in his pockets, his head hanging lower than usually. From what Lily could see – which was only his back – she would say he even looked sad.

"Evans, come on, please." James sighed and turned around to face her. There it was again, the feeling that he was sort of sad. His eyes looked sadder than ever. Maybe someone told him that he wasn't as pretty as he thought. But she wasn't going to give in to that. Never.

"This is gonna be a very long year for us. And as we'll spend most of our evenings together patrolling the castle, let me just say one thing: I truly am sorry." James sighed.

"You... what?" She stared at him in disbelieve, shaking her head slightly. "What sort of sick joke's that?"

"No joke at all. I'm so sorry for what I did in fifth year. It's my fault you lost your best friend."

"I... what?" She was baffled, again. Why did he do that? Just why? He was such an arse, he was. Doing nothing but hurting people. Why did he bring up Severus? Why did he bring up that day and why did he feel the need to apologize to her? There was nothing to apologize for. At least not to her. He should apologize to Severus for making his life a living hell.

"Evans, stop thinking about the meaning of life and the universe", James smirked, "just listen to me. Please. Sit down." He gestured towards a small bench just at the foot of the stairs. Without waiting for her, he jumped down the last two steps.

A bit confused, Lily followed him down the stairs but did not sit down next to him. Instead, she was standing right in front of James, crossing her arms over her chest, blowing a lost string of hair out of her eyes.

"Potter, explain yourself."

"I love it when you talk dirty, Evans." He wiggled his eyebrows in this stupid way of his. Not funny at all.

"Right then", he said as he watched her stern face, "I'll continue. I want to apologize. I have to. I'm the reason you lost your best friend. If I hadn't provoked Snivellus, if I hadn't turned him upside-down, if you wouldn't have tried to help him, he'd have never called you a... a you-know-what."

"A Mudblood. Say it out loud, Potter. I'm a Mudblood."

"You are a brilliant witch, Evans. The most brilliant one. Very good at Potions, extremely good at Charms. Extraordinary. No-one has the right to call you a you-know-what. Especially not your best friend. Look..." James sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

He often did it. Ruffled up his hair. Thought it would make him look cooler. As if. It just made him look stupid.

"I truly am sorry. If I could go back in time and undo what I did, I would. I'd not let him call you that word. I'd make sure that you'd not lose your friend."

"You hate him."

"I don't hate him. I hate his believes, I hate the way he behaves and I hate the way he talks and walks and smells and looks. But I don't hate the him him, if you get what I mean. He's a Death Eater. With 15 he was just on the verge of becoming one. I always thought maybe you could help him, rescue him, keep him from the Dark Magic, from Lord Voldemort."

Lily didn't flinch at the mentioning of his name. Why should she be afraid of a name? A name was nothing more than a concept, a wibbly-wobbly concept. He could be called Earl of Pudding for all she cared. It wouldn't make him scarier or any less dangerous.

"You're clever enough to notice, weren't you? You noticed that evil was coming and took him away. I bet he apologized, didn't he?"

"That is none of your business, Potter." Lily snapped at him, trying to stare him down, but had to turn away. She couldn't bear it. Whenever she thought about the way Severus had treated her, whenever she thought about his idiotic idea to join the Death Eaters, whenever she thought about how desperately he had tried to win her over again, she just couldn't bear it.

"So he did. Evans, I know it's been a while since the incident. And I can imagine that it still hurts. I could never forgive my friends for a thing like that. Just like you never forgave him. He called you a you-know-what once and he'll call others one, too. You know that, don't you? Is that why you couldn't forgive him?"

"We should get going, Potter. It's getting late and I don't want to spend the rest of the night here with you. We've duties to fulfil."

He was impossible. How dare he say those things? How dare he try to understand her?

"You're right. Sorry. I didn't mean to keep you away from homework or your friends. Apologies." James stood up and began walking, quickly followed by Lily. She had no idea what to make of it. On the one hand, she wanted to talk to him about it, tell him how much it had hurt her, how badly Severus had begged for forgiveness. She wanted to tell him not because she wanted someone to know. She actually wanted James Potter to understand her.

On the other hand... it was Potter. She could never talk to Potter like that. What if it was all just a trick? Trying to lure her into trusting him, so he had something on her. To threaten her or whatever other cruel thing he could come up with. He was very creative in these sorts of activities.

It didn't take them very long to check the rest of their area. They were back before Midnight, having been fast and not talking at all.

"Evans, just a second, please." James softly held her back before she could climb into the Gryffindor Common Room.

"What do you want now, Potter?"

"I just want to say, again, that I'm very sorry for what I've caused and I know I am the reason for the pain you went through after your friendship with Snivellus broke. I'm truly sorry. I've been a foolish young boy with nothing on my mind than to live and laugh. I'm sorry you had to suffer. I never meant to do those things to you." With those words he let go of her shoulder, stepping aside so she could enter the room. Slightly confused, she made her way into her dormitory without looking back at James.

"Hey there. Long day, wasn't it?" Marlene smiled at Lily and pulled her onto her own bed, cuddling her best friend. "I bet being on and about with James Freaking Potter wasn't as much fun as most girls would think, was it?"

"It was weird. Really weird."

"I still can't understand why Dumbledore considered him to be a good fit. He's unreliable, unfriendly, selfish and arrogant. How's he ever supposed to keep students in bed if all he does is being out of bed himself? That makes no sense at all. I bet him and the Marauders are already off to new adventures in the night."

"No idea..." Lily sighed and cuddled up to her friend. "You know, I might even think he could be responsible. Nah, not really responsible. But I guess the students would actually listen to him. Maybe because the girls think if they obey, he'll kiss them."

"He only has eyes for you, dearest Lily Flower", Marlene told her in her sweetest voice.

"Oh shut it. He hasn't asked me out since the end of last school year."

"Not even today? Would've been the perfect opportunity. Just you and him, all alone in the big castle at night, no-one around to disturb you, the light of the setting sun following you around, highlighting your flawless hair..."

"Marlene, I'm warning you."

"Sorry." She chuckled and ruffled Lily's hair. "I hope you're glad he didn't ask. Though it would be okay if you weren't. I'm okay with it if you ever decide to like him back. He's good-looking, sportive, intelligent, popular... quite a catch, actually. And he tries so hard to take you on a date."

"Asking me every day isn't trying very hard. Besides, I really can't stand him. You know what he did today?"

"Not asking you out."

"I... stop that! Stop trying to push me into mentioning dates and Potter in the same sentence."

"Okay, sorry. What did he do today?"

"He apologized."

"Well, that's new. What for? Did he accidentally hit you or something?"

"I would've hit back." Lily shook her head and ran her fingers through her red hair. "He apologized because he thinks it's his fault that Severus called me a Mudblood in fifth year."

Lily was sort of amused at the sight of Marlene's shocked face. "He did what? That... I can't... he really said that?"

"Oh yes. And not once, no. He seemed to be serious about it. Truthful. He said that if he hadn't hexed Severus, I wouldn't have tried to defend him and Severus wouldn't have called me a Mudblood."

"Do you believe him?"

"I find it kind of hard to believe anything Potter says. But he did seem to be sorry... Said he never meant to hurt me. That he wished he could go back in time to un-do it."

"Did you tell him that Snape's action was just the final straw and that you've had actually distanced yourself from him by then?"

"I didn't. There's no need for him to know."

"Lily..." Marlene took her friend's face softly between her hands. "Lils. If Potter is honest about it, if he really beats himself up because he hurt you, then you need to tell him. I know you can't stand him but you can't let him live with the thought that he hurt you in such a way. Would you like to live with such a thing?"

"No... But I don't want to talk to him. Not more than necessary."

"Do it. For me. I'll wait here and when you come back, I'll let you braid my hair."

Lily chuckled and nodded. "A tempting offer! You know I love braiding! I surrender! I'll talk to him if he's still in the Common Room."

"Good girl." Marlene kissed her friend's forehead and sent her off, down the stairs.

The Common Room was nearly empty. James was still there, sitting in an armchair by the fireplace, buried into homework. It has been the first day, they had just arrived, so it couldn't be homework, Lily told herself. Maybe some plan to fuck up some students. But then again, if it would be a prank, wouldn't the other Marauders be with him? Didn't they spend every waking minute with each other? Especially Potter and Black, who were inseparable.

The fire was nearly burned down, the last flames crackling red and orange, as Lily slowly moved towards James. She considered being so silent that she could read whatever was written on his sheets. If it was a prank, she could stop him. And that would give her a great deal of satisfaction.

"No need, Evans. You can't sneak up on a Marauder", he said softly, with a hint of amusement in his voice. James turned around to face her. "I am allowed to be here and do some homework. You can check with the rules. Plus, I am Head Boy. If you tell me off, I tell you off. If I'm not supposed to be down here, neither are you."

"I'm not here to tell you off, Potter." Lily hesitated. Should she actually talk to him about Severus? Could she trust him? She really wasn't sure about all of this. After a few moments of an inner fight, she sat down opposite of James.

"About what you said earlier, being sorry and everything... do you mean it? Do you truly believe it was your fault I fell out with Severus?"

"I believe I pushed him towards saying it. I believe you two could still be friends if it wasn't for me. But I also believe he's so involved in Dark Arts by now, that at the beginning of this year you wouldn't be his friend anymore anyway. But then it would've been your own decision, nothing which was forced upon you due to my behaviour."

"It was the tip of the iceberg. The Mudblood. I've noticed the change in him, the friends who weren't good for him, the involvement in Dark Arts. I thought it was just a phase. He tried to apologize. Begged me for days and weeks. Said he didn't mean it. Of course he did. He'd call anyone of my heritage a Mudblood. I can't be friends with a racist."

"And you can't be friends with me, either. So basically there are two types of people you cannot befriend: racists and Marauders."

"I'm sort of friends with Remus."

"Sort of." James laughed a soft laugh. "Evans, I'm sorry, but you don't know the slightest thing about him or his family or his character. All you know is that he doesn't hex students as much as I do. Did. Do. Did. I don't know. Did, I guess."

She looked at him, all confused. Did he just tell her that he didn't plan on bullying anymore? Then again, he got better towards the end of last year. So maybe he was changing. About time, too.

"Don't take it personally, but stop speaking about my friends. Any one of them. You don't know them and never will, since we are Marauders and you don't talk to us. You despise us and that is perfectly fine. Remus quite likes you, but friends? Nah. Acquaintances, I'll give you that."

James shrugged and ran a hand through his hair before adjusting his glasses. They kept slipping of his nose. Maybe he thought it'd look cool to always push them up. It didn't.

"Anyway, I truly am sorry for your loss. He meant a great deal to you, though he's a complete idiot. I'm glad you got away from him, for your own sake, your health and maybe even your life. Imagine him becoming stronger and stronger, Voldemort becoming more powerful. Imagine what the Death Eaters would do to you and maybe even to Snivellus, if he would then still be involved with you. They would rip you apart. No mercy, not at all."

He gave her the creeps, he really did. Why did he have to turn all serious and mature? That was not the Potter she knew and she wasn't quite sure if the new one was any better than the old one.

"What are you doing here anyway? You lied to me, you can't be doing homework. We've just arrived this evening." Lily snatched away the top sheet, looking at it. Oddly enough, James didn't try to get it back. She saw him leaning back in his armchair, closing his eyes, while her eyes were running over the letters and sentences. Lily quickly scanned everything before placing the sheet back onto the stack of papers.

A list of requirements to become an Auror. She never knew he had intentions in becoming one. She never considered him. It had always been her dream to be one, ever since she had been told that it existed. She wanted to fight Voldemort herself. As a Mudblood. But Potter? It seemed rather out of place. He was the athlete, not the brainy.

"Well... just don't make a mess or wake up the others, understand me?" Lily rose from the chair, walking back to the stairs.

"Oh, and Potter? Thank you for the apology. I do appreciate it. You were not the reason I broke up the friendship. You were merely a little bird in a swarm of birds, which were all chirping rather loudly to let go of this relationship of mine. Don't beat yourself up. Though I don't think you'll ever do that. Way too full of yourself, Potter, way too much."

It might have sounded mean, but Lily couldn't make him a compliment and be thankful without teasing him. He was a prick and he needed to be reminded that one little act of kindness towards her didn't change her whole picture of him.


End file.
